Bad parenting night for this momma.
I had to apologize to my Randy for screaming at him.
And this is the story:
He had been testing my patience all day, hitting his brother, growling at me when he doesn't want to listen, telling me he won't listen, throwing things, drawing on my kitchen table (after being asked not to a hundred times), kicking my walls for fun(over and over) and a lot of other little things he normally doesn't do because they are "NO-NO's" in this house. He got a time out (in his room) and he started pulling everything out of his closet and throwing it on the floor yelling at me that I needed to apologize to him. I finally snaped, I SCREAMED at him that he "IS A BAD KID". That is HORRIBLE! I then yelled that he had to go to sleep and not come out of his room. He kept screaming, I couldn't even tell what he was saying he was so worked up.He kept screaming and kicking and throwing things in his room. I spanked him, HARD, more then once. UGH SO HORRIBLE. He was hyperventilating and I was fuming in anger at him. It got to the point he was yelling sorry and I was yelling that it was to late for I'm sorrys. He then started sobbing even harder that he wants me, he needs me. I wanted nothing to do with him in that moment I was so frustrated from being hit and kicked and screamed at by him. This went on for almost an hour. All the while I knew I was wrong in my response. I didn't want to admit that to my son though. I didn't want to be wrong. I am the mom after all. I'm felt guilty-er and guilty-er by the minute. I finally calmed myself down enough to let him out of his room. He was apologizing profusely. Randy was telling me "I don't want to be a bad boy any more. I'm done with my bad attitude mommy. I'm sorry. I just want you, please?" I finally softened and I told him we could snuggle in my bed together. He touched my face and sayed "I love you mom!" GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY. I new I needed to apologize, I was SOOOOOOOOO wrong in my response to my toddler son. I looked at him and told him "Mommy should never have spanked you like that son. I shouldn't have told you that you are a bad kid. You are a good boy and I love you." He asked me why I was apologizing. I admitted mommy can make mistakes too. He looked relieved and simply asked, "So you love me too??" MORE GUILT. "Randy I will always love you no matter what you do and I will work on always showing you love. Even if I am angry"
My son is not a bad kid, he had missed his nap and he was acting out. He IS a sweet, wonderful, kind, loving boy.
I hate that as a mom I am capable at feeling anger at my babies. They are my biggest blessings in life. And they are children. I pray everyday I can love them as Jesus does. And days like today reminded me of how short I fall. I need grace, I need forgiveness, I need Jesus. I hope that despite my short comings and any future over reactions to a situation my sons know they are loved and that we all need grace, forgiveness, and Jesus. Lord, help me!
